Marriage Roles
Have you ever taken part in a play at some time in your life? It can be a fun experience, but it can also be a very difficult experience if you do not learn your part properly.
I am sure you know of at least one occasion where someone forgot their lines, and everyone was waiting for them to do their part. If this ever happened to you, then you probably still think back on that time with embarrassment.
Sometimes you even get confusion, where one person ends up saying someone else’s lines instead of their own.
Marriage is a lot like a play. Each person has a part to play, and if both of them do their part right, the play is a success. But if one person fails to play their part, or tries to play the part of the other, then there is confusion and conflict.
What I am going to look at in this study, is the roles that a husband and wife should play in a marriage according to the Scriptures.
Unfortunately most of us learn about marriage by watching our parents and other marriage couples, or the way we see marriage pictured on TV. What you think is right for a husband or wife to do or not do could be completely different to what God says.
So let’s see exactly what the Bible tells us should be the role of each person in the marriage. When you have finished reading this lesson, I want you to sit down and take a good hard look at yourself and see if you really are fulfilling your marriage role correctly.
And even more important is whether you have perhaps not only failed to carry out your marriage role, but you have taken over and carried out some of the roles of your spouse. This is one of the greatest causes of problems, not only in a marriage, but also in a family when children come along.
Scriptures on Marriage Roles
1 Corinthians 14:34 Let your wives remain silent in the churches: for it is not permitted to them to speak; but [they are commanded] to be under obedience, as also the law says.
35 And if they want to learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for wives to speak in the church. (GMR)
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the [rhema] word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and will be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife [see] that she reverence [her] husband. (GMR)
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.(GMR)
1 Timothy 3:11 Even so [must their] wives [be] grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things.
12 Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well.(GMR)
Titus 2:1 But you speak the things that are fitting for sound doctrine:
2 That the older men be sober, grave, self-controlled, sound in faith, in [agape] love, in endurance.
3 The older women likewise, in a demeanor that reflects holiness, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine, teachers of good things;
4 That they may disciple the young women, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 [To be] self-controlled, chaste, homemakers, pleasant, subject to their own husbands, that the word of God is not slandered. (GMR)
1 Peter 3:1 Likewise, you wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conduct of the wives;
2 While they observe your chaste conduct [coupled] with fear.
3 Whose beauty aids should not be an emphasis on the external, such as plaiting the hair, wearing of gold, or putting on of clothing;
4 But rather the hidden qualities of the heart, which cannot be corrupted; a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters you are, as long as you do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
7 Likewise, you husbands, dwell with your wives in an understanding way, assigning value to her femininity, as a weaker instrument, and as being heirs together of the grace of [zoe] life; that your prayers are not hindered. (GMR)
1 Timothy 3:1 This [is] a true saying, Whoever desires the office of an overseer, desires a good work.
2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
3 Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;
4 One that rules well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) (GMR)
The Role of the Husband
The Scriptures are very clear on the role of the husband in marriage. I will list them here, and you can compare this with the Scriptures above to confirm that this is God’s order.
1. Teach his wife
The husband is to be the instructor of his wife. This does not mean that wives are ignorant, but it means that a husband should not keep things from his wife.
The husband and wife are a partners together, and there should be nothing hidden from each other. They should share in everything. Men often keep their wives ignorant on things that they do not consider important. This can often cause a block in communication in the marriage.
2. Head of his wife
The husband is to be head in the home, and the leader in the marriage. The mistake that many married couples make is looking at natural leadership capabilities. Often the wife is a better natural leader than the husband, and it is easier to let her take control.
When a husband does this he violates his responsibility and role in the home and brings not only confusion, but also the possibility of attack. When the husband remains the head of the home, his family is protected from attack.
3. The Savior of his wife
The husband is to be the protector and provider in the home. His wife rests under his protection, and is safe from attack. When a wife has problems and needs help, she should be able to look first to her husband to save her from her difficulties.
Paul said that Jesus was head of the church, but also its Savior. He gave His life for our protection and salvation. The husband should be prepared to do the same for his wife.
4. Love his wife like Christ loved the church
God commands the husband specifically to love his wife. This means that it is the responsibility of the husband to bring love into the home. If love is missing, then he is held responsible for this.
Jesus loves the Church unconditionally. A husband must be as Christ to his wife, and show her what true unconditional love is.
5. Give himself for her then he can perfect her
The husband is to make his wife perfect. But before he can do that he must be prepared to sacrifice all for her, as Jesus did for the church.
When a husband loves in this way, he not only earns the right to address things in his wife, but he automatically releases the power of God to work in her and make her into the perfect wife.
The key to changing your wife is therefore to give up all for her, and to sacrifice yourself completely for her good.
6. Love her as his own body
If your body is in pain, you attend to it right away. If you body has a need or desire, you tend to take care of it first.
The husband is to love his wife in this way, and so demonstrate the love of Jesus. A simple guideline would be to make sure that you give your wife as much attention as you give to your body. That includes all bodily desires as well as needs.
7. Leave his parents and be joined to his wife
This is a major area of failure in husbands.
A wife generally finds it easy to leave her parents and be joined to her husband. She should have left her mother long ago to come under her father’s influence before leaving home. Now she simply moves out from under her father to being under her husband.
For the husband this is not so easy. He has moved out from under his parents authority, but instead of coming under a new authority, he must himself become the authority. Most men fail here and still go back to mommy and daddy for advice.
NOT A GOOD IDEA!
Grow up and put your wife first from now on. You are partners now in something new. Parents can only give advice, which you must both agree on before you accept it.
8. Love and do not be bitter against his wife
Love must be unconditional like the love of God. When a husband allows anger and bitterness to rule his heart, he not only fails to provide the right covering, he damages the marriage.
Bitterness is an open door to a curse in the home and the marriage. So when things start to go wrong, before you go blaming your wife, take a look at your beam first and see if you are not the cause of it.
9. Treat his wife like a lady
Ephesians 5:7 Likewise, you husbands, dwell with your wives in an understanding way, assigning value to her femininity, as a weaker instrument, and as being heirs together of the grace of [zoe] life; that your prayers are not hindered.(GMR)
Paul says that a husband should highly value his wife’s femininity, and her weakness as a woman. Your wife should always be treated with tenderness and appreciation. She is a special gift from the Lord, and your partner in life.
When a husband allows his wife to be his partner in the marriage, then there is a unity that results in powerful answers to prayer.
11. A One-Woman Man
Although it is in the nature of a man to appreciate the beauty of other women, he should never try to compare his wife with others. To him she must be the most lovely woman in the world.
When a husband is truly a one woman man, he will pour everything into his wife and she will rise up and compliment him in all things. He should always be proud to present his wife to the world and to boast about her to others.
12. Has the children under control, not his wife
A husband is meant to be the head of the home and to have his children under control. This does not mean he should do his wife the same as though she is one of the children.
Although the husband is the leader in the partnership, it is still a partnership. A husband who bosses his wife around or tries to be superior to her or talk down to her is not showing the model of Christ to the church.
It is not for you to control you wife through a strong will. It is for you to influence your wife through tender love and consideration and understanding.
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